Ephesians 6:4, or Stop Being a Jerk...

So yesterday was kind of a pill.  You’ll note that I didn’t post anything yesterday, despite my defacto “Monday” schedule.  Well, as one would expect, life kind of got in the way.  It was hard getting out the door to work with my oldest son, and work as more than a little hectic.  It was just a very frustrating morning/early afternoon.  Sometimes I think rough times get you so God can send you a message along with it.  Now I know the old adage is “Why can’t God be clearer with his messages?”  It’s not like we get a burning bush or a pillar of fire or a talking cloud, no we have to, a lot of times, look for God’s words in our daily lives.

Then some days he just sends it straight to you.  So I downloaded a Catholic Bible app for my phone, and it does this thing where you get a “verse for the day” kind of thing.  Remember how I said a big stressor yesterday was my son?  Well, today’s verse was Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Sometimes when we get God’s word directly in our lives, it’s something that lifts us out of a funk, something that reminds us that no matter how hard it is, He’s there.

Sometimes it’s a stark reminder that we need to toe the line more.  So the verse got me thinking about yesterday morning with my son and how I could have actually handled it a lot better.  I think if we all look back to our more frustrated moments, we might find that we all could be handling it a lot better.

Kids can be frustrating, adults can be frustrating, work can be frustrating, chores can be frustrating, and life in general is, well, frustrating.  Sometimes we don’t have time to process our frustration and channel that energy into a more constructive way to deal with the problem, but most of the time we do.  We just don’t TAKE the time to channel that energy.  Yes, our kids can be frustrating, but that doesn’t mean we should allow ourselves to get frustrated with them.  What does that teach them?  That if you find yourself in a tough situation that you should just get mad?

“…do not provoke your children to anger…”  If I allow myself to be frustrated I will probably provoke the child to anger, and that will greatly exacerbate the situation.

I think Father Mark, our priest at Our Lady of Mt. Carmel, says it best when he says “If you are a jerk at home, you’re a jerk.”

Let’s say, for example, I got frustrated with my son and I said things to him that made him feel less than excellent.  Then I go to work and I say encouraging and uplifting things to my clerks.  I would be a jerk.  Period.  That is a jerk thing to do.  I may be charming as all get out at work, but if I cannot lift up my own child, then I am nothing.

So, if you are a jerk at home, you’re a jerk.  But this isn’t an absolute.  This isn’t a fixed point in the universe.  This is a warning sign.  The flip side of that is to stop being a jerk at home.  Stop letting frustration and negative feelings get the better of you.

“…bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”  Stop being a jerk.  You know when you’re slipping into that role.  You know it when you start deflecting and defending.  You start blaming outside stressors for the problem.  “Well, if he would just do what I said, and she would just do this, and the dog would just stop barking, and…”  All of the sudden we’ve blamed our mood on other people, like they control a knob on our backs that switch us from happy to sad to angry.  Now, I’ve checked all over my back and I have no such switch.  I’m also 100% sure my kids don’t hold a remote control that changes my mood the way we flip through channels on the TV.

No, the only one in control of your mood is you.  You choose to feel this way or that way, you choose to let this outside stimuli dictate what kind of mood you are going to be in.  But that’s just us dumping responsibility for ourselves onto others.  So how do we deal?  Well, in “Armchair Quarterbacking” the issue, the easiest solution would be to think “If someone came in right now offering to help, what would you ask them to do?”  Then you do that.  Because doing that teaches your family how these kinds of situations should be handled.

My wife gave me a perfect metaphor years ago, when I was having difficult times at work with multiple responsibilities rearing their heads all at once.  She said that when you are doing a spin, the way to keep from getting dizzy (ie letting all your negative emotions overwhelm you) is you find something to focus on.  Everything else will fall into place, as long as you keep your focus on one goal.

Being a parent, being a father, means teaching your children the best way possible to do things.  Sometimes it’s the best way possible on how to hammer a nail; sometimes it’s how to deal with their frustrations in a healthy manner.  So when your world, as a parent starts to spin, focus on Ephesians 6:4.