Monday, January 9, 2017

Are You “Okay” with “Not Being Okay”?

On the surface, it comes across as a rather pedantic question.  Obviously if you aren’t “okay” then you aren’t “okay”, however the issue can be far more complex than that.

There is no dispute that in the scriptures Christ flipped the societal scales.  He dined with the less-than-reputable people in the land, the tax collectors, prostitutes, and sinners.  But there is an important point there that a lot of folks get confused on: his tolerance of their life style wasn’t acceptance of their lifestyle.

We need to break it down:  to tolerate something is to “allow the existence, occurrence, or practice of (something that one does not necessarily like or agree with) without interference”, while to accept is to “believe or come to recognize (an opinion, explanation, etc.) as valid or correct”.

Google Dictionary

I want to highlight one specific part in the definitions: tolerate “something that one does not necessarily like or agree with” and accept “recognize as valid or correct”.  These concepts are not synonymous; they don’t mean the same thing.  You can tolerate something without accepting it; you can be “not okay” with something.

What brought this about was, my wife and I were watching “Sister Wives” the other night and, while that in of itself is a whole other can of worms, the episode in question dealt with this this family dealing with one of the daughter’s revelations that she was a lesbian.  Her biological mother, Meri, in the episode kept going back and forth during the interview sessions stating that she was concerned that her daughter felt that she (the mother) was “not okay” with her being a lesbian.  If you watch the episode its pretty clear that, deep down she’s not okay with it.  My wife pointed out “it doesn’t really matter if you’re “not okay” with it.”  She stated that it was something that has happened and there it is.  Like it or not.  What I noticed in between the interviews and the footage from their home was that no, she was clearly not okay with her daughter being a lesbian, but more, she wasn’t okay with herself not being okay.  That is what is going to cause some problems.

Society, the world, has us wrapped up in expectations for our responses.  It’s a very “like it or not” world we live in, and if we DON’T like something we are made to feel lesser about it, like we are the one with the problem.  “I’m gay, and if you don’t like that, you have a problem.”  “I use drugs, and if you don’t like that, you have a problem.”  “I’m getting an abortion, and if you don’t like that…” you see the where this is going.

But where the world is demanding we accept something, we have to understand that Christ called us to tolerate, not accept.  We do not have to like it, and we need to be okay with not liking it.  We need to be okay with not being okay.

If you have a friend who is overweight and you know their health is failing due to their weight issues, it’s okay not to be okay with that.  You can “not like” the situation, but still be their friend.  You can tolerate the situation for the sake of the person.  You absolutely do not have to accept that they are overweight, and when you pretend to accept something you are not okay with, you are placing an unnecessary conflict within yourself.  When everything in your head is screaming “You need to lose weight or you will die!” but on the outside you are silently watching them kill themselves, you are not doing them a favor and you are hurting yourself to boot.  If you acknowledge that you are not okay, then you can stand as someone trying to help them out of their situation.

Going back to Jesus, he tolerated their situations for the sake of the person.  He said “I love you, but you need to fix this situation.” And that is love.  Love isn’t accepting someone’s lifestyle unquestioningly, its understanding and tolerating, in the hopes that together you can help them fix the rougher parts.

Going back to Meri and her daughter: she can be “not okay” with her daughter being a lesbian, which is perfectly acceptable and not unfounded.  The LGBT lifestyle has a lot of dark roads around it, and there are two ways people go down these roads: When their families don’t accept who they are, and when they are too accepting of what they do.  Meri’s daughter is a lesbian, and there’s nothing she can do about that, but she can be there as a supportive parent, tolerant of the dynamic, but still not okay with it.  By being there, she can help keep her daughter from the darker paths of the LGBT lifestyle.  She can say “I don’t like the path you are on right, now, but I will walk it with you in the hopes that you don’t get hurt.”

That is love.  Love is not wanting someone to get hurt, and not wanting them to hurt themselves.  Love is patient, understanding and kind.  Love understands that there were things in that person’s life that led them to this point, but love also wants to change trajectory to something that heals.

Now I’m not saying that homosexuality, obesity, and drug use are interchangeable, they aren’t. Each one is its own thing, but they are all something that you can be “not okay” with.  But before you decide you are not okay with something, you may want to pray on it and determine WHY you aren’t okay with it.

I think we’ll cover that another time.

 

Thanks for reading, and God bless.

2 comments:

  1. I think you've hit the mark here, but my concern is with the word "tolerate". We all know what this means by its definition. However, look at how that word has been used throughout our recent historyears. "Tolerate" has come to have a negative connotation associated with it, and not taken to mean the definition.

    Think about it.

    What if I say, "I tolerate gays."? I do, actually, I've some really nice people who were gay. But when I say tolerate, do I mean that I really can't stand them, but I out up with them? No. Tolerate is exactly that, but the usage may not favor a positive response.

    I think the problem stems from the fact that if you do not fully accept someone's lifestyle choices, you are seen as the problem. To tolerate someone may be seen as a form of insult- can you not just accept them?

    I think what we as people need to do is get together and tell each other that it's okay to tolerate someone. It's perfectly fine to do that. To conclude the example, I'm very tolerant of the gay lifestyle- but not accepting of it. That's a whole other ball of wax.

    For the record, while I might tolerate my cat biting my foot when I almost step on him, I do not accept that, either.

    ReplyDelete
  2. You are absolutely right, and that is where our society has us twisted in a knot. Its okay to tolerate without accepting. In fact it's just good healthy psychological foundation. You should have a line in the sand on some issues. If you don't everyone will have the ability to inflict their will on you. Like the cat inflicting his will on your foot.

    ReplyDelete